Harry Potter and Life in da Ghetto
by Draco's Fantasizer
Summary: HP like you've never seen it before. Life in da hood. Makes fun of the usual stereotypes like Slut!Hermione and Pimp!Harry. Big D makes an appearance. First chapter is up - review for continuation.


Harry Potter and da Life in da Hood

Disclaimer: Written by Lauren and I – we don't own anything, except maybe a fettish for library chocolate mints.

Chapter 1: Angst in da Dursley crib

Harry Potter sat on his bed. Sighing, he gazed wistfully out the window. "Shit, man. My life is full o' crack. Where's mah dealer at?"

Dragging his sorry form out of bed, he pulled his pants down several inches, readjusted his extensive bling-bling and fell headfirst onto his floor. "Damn, bitch," he scowled at his bling- bling. "You're loaded….yo" Suffering from severe withdrawal, Harry swaggered down the stairs out the door, and into the now shady playground.

The innocent swingset was now plagued not by infants but by sexually aware teenagers. Leaning on one of the frequently used poles, Dudley Dursley checked his watch precariously. "You late, dawg" He smirked as Harry "wanna-see-my-broomstick" Potter sauntered up.

"Aight, Big D, s'cool. Yo' mama made me late. She was all up in my grill wonderin' where you was at. So I tell her you was havin' tea with p squared." Piers Polkis stood by in the shadows, arms crossed, trying to look tough but failing as his cheeks reddened at the humiliation of his nickname. Big D considered him for a moment before moving his head a fraction of an inch downward "It's aight" Harry gave Dudley the once over. "Gimme mah, you know.." He moved his head up suggestively, "fairy dust…yeahhhh…" Dudley extracted a plastic baggy full of glittering powder that twinkled serenely in the sunlight. Harry took out a vial full of "selective enlargement" potion. Dudley grunted approvingly and the items were exchanged. Harry took the "fairy dust" and went back to the Dursley's house.

As he was searching for various paraphernalia, Harry heard a loud honking noise coming from outside. Harry stuck his head curiously out the window, taking no notice of the fact that the Dursleys had rebarred it. There was Ron "count my freckles" Weasley with his hot new girlfriend Hermione "open my book" Granger. They were sitting in a … well, it resembled Uncle Vernon's Ferrari only in the fact that it had a motor. The rest of it looked as if it were held together like the Burrow, plus a bit of super glue. It was a ludicrous orange and gave off a pleasant aroma of burning rubber. No one could have guessed that it only cost eight sickles.

"Check out my ride, yo! It be positively pimpin'!" Possesively, Ron put his arm around Hermione, his hottie, now clad in a leopard print, skin tight, belly-baring, midriff-exploiting, super low-cut top that left nothing to the imagination.

"Sweet ride, Ron" Harry smirked at both the car and Hermione.

"Word" said Ron solemnly. "Hop on in!" In his excitement, Harry tried to disentangle his head from the window and succeeded in jamming himself in further.

"Oy, I be stuck man. Wanna help a brotha out?"

"Fo' sho'" affirmed Ron, pressing the big red blinking button on the dashboard that said "push me"

The pimpride2001.5, as it said in snazzy black letters on the bumper, hurtled into the air as Hermione shrieked and tried to hold on to her windswept miniskirt.

"Aight Harry, I'll free yo' sorry ass." He deftly tied a rope to Harry's barredwindow and backed up the pimpride2001.5. Harry had a sudden feeling of déjà vu. This time, however, when the bars came out, so did a disgruntled Harry.

Hearing the crash, Petunia looked out the window, screamed and dropped the plate she was holding at the sight of Ron in his flying car, trying to hall up a still bar-clad Harry, who was tethered at the end of the rope, his 3 sizes too big shoes dangling a few feet off the ground.

Finally in the car, bar free, Harry put on his shades and realized with a pang of regret that he had left his dope back in his room.

"C'n we turn back, dawg? I left mah fairy dust back at da' Dursley crib."

Ron and Hermione glared at him balefully.

"Where we goin', anyways?"

"To Hogwarts" piped up a well known voice from behind Harry. "Props, Ginny."

Like it? Review and maybe we'll continue - 


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